25 and 50. Birthday Boy
First published in the 50th anniversary edition of Share Magazine
My names …. and I’m an alcoholic
Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays should have all been times in my life that we’re happy. But they were not. Looking back through my childhood, Christmas days and my birthdays were especially painful. Most I’ve blocked out. And of those that I do remember, what comes through today is a memory of pain, loneliness and feeling utterly demoralised.
I was a very unhappy child.
I was filled with dread and despair. I craved attention and love. But If I received some, I just couldn’t cope. Id push people away. And as I got into my drinking, those birthdays that we should all enjoy as we grew up, ended up as horrendously painful evenings. With me getting so drunk and horrible, I still can’t remember much about them.
My 16th birthday. My 18th birthday. My 21st birthday. All total disasters. I’ve not got one good memory from any of them. It’s quite sad looking back. Xmas days as a child visiting my drunk Dad in London should have been times of happiness and kind memories. But there were not. It was mind numbingly painful. I cried. And I was lost. And I just wanted to die. I was still only 8 years old. For my 40th birthday, my wife had put on a wonderful meal with friends. It was very special. Except I was drinking. A-lot. And I got very drunk. It was history repeatedly repeating itself all over again. I can’t remember one memorable birthday party in 40 years. It’s sad what alcoholism takes away. And in return I’m left with feelings of despair and remorse.
Coming into AA soon after my disastrous 40th, was the start of a new life. A start of something new that I never expected. And that was to start having anniversaries, birthdays and holidays that were peaceful, with my family and held happy memories.
My first sober birthday in sobriety, may not seem important to most people. It was to me. It was a window to all that I’d missed all my life. Just to be with my family, happy and content. Without me spoiling things …. again.
My first sober Xmas in 25 years is an experience. I loved every minute of it. No more worrying all day for my family about my drinking. It was very special to feel a part of my own family. It’s a very surreal experience. It was the best day ever.
Anniversary in recovery have become the most treasured and rewarding.
My first share at 12 weeks sober. I can remember it like it was yesterday.
Reaching that golden milestone of 90 days. Priceless. 6 months sober, when I shared for the first time in a treatment centre.
And as sobriety rolled on, my first sober anniversary in recovery. My home group baked a big first anniversary sober cake. I was truly astonished I’d made a whole year without a drink. I just could believe it. And then onto my 5th sober birthday. My grand sponsor always said that I wouldn’t be truly sober, until I was 5 years. And I remember a big turning point in my sobriety at around that time. I’d settled down in sobriety. I was finding myself and I was starting to find the real me underneath.
I’ve had so many wonderful sober birthdays sober. My 13th was in Paris. My 17th in Beijing. My 21st on a cruise ship. All beautiful, sober and each a true gift.
In October this year will be my 25th. Another milestone. But especially as it’s also the 50th anniversary of the share magazine being published.
Looking back over these past fifty years, I started my drinking the year the first share magazine was published. I sobered up on shares 25th anniversary. And this year we’re sharing our 25th and 50th anniversary respectively.
It’s funny how life turns out. Without those dreadfully painful birthdays and Xmas days as a child, I’d not be celebrating my 25th sober anniversary in oct with the share magazines 50th. A wonderful milestone for us both. Thanks to the 12 steps. Thanks to the share magazine. And thanks to all those people who’ve helped me on my journey.
Anon